Why I Love Him... and hate him at the same time.

nobody@vox.com(guitartaronyourteeth) — Tue, 13 May 2008 11:21:47 -0700

Before I tell you that, I want to tell you what I'm like.

1. I'm a UP student, ergo, I like smart-talk. Not smart-ass talk.
2. I'm a musician, ergo, I see musical people as people I can relate to.
3. I'm a believer. (kanta? haha.) I believe in God. Problem is, I'm not as responsible as other Christians are.
4. I talk a lot. I am quite a nagger. I criticize a lot.
5. I am a practical joker. But I find intelligent humor really pleasing.
6. I'm not considered pretty, meaning, I've never been told I was.
7. I'm not rich. There are some things I cannot relate to. Meaning, I don't have cable TV at home. (Jump to conclusions, I'm allowing it for this item.)

This is what he's like:
1. He's also a UP student, ergo, very capable of smart-talk. Very sensible guy.
2. He's also a musician, ergo, someone I can relate to. + I have a thing for guitarists. I find them more attractive than an average man.
3. He's a believer. He's much more responsible as a Christian than me, ergo, I respect him for that.
4. He doesn't talk a lot. He listens to you first, but he gives you more than satisfactory feedback. He's so used to my nagging na hindi siya napipikon kasi di rin naman ako magna-nag nang walang point. He's used to my criticisms and he takes it very well.
5. He has a pretty good sense of humor. Therefore, I find him really intelligent, and someone I find very fun to talk to.
6. He's considered a heartthrob. He's not Brad Pitt looking, but again, he wins familiarity wise. There's something with his being athletic that adds to it.
7. He's a bit rich (not filthy and obscenely rich). There are some things he talks about I cannot relate to. I don't like this part, but what could we do, he was born to his family.

He actually has every single thing I'm looking for in a guy yet nothing is happening. Why is it so hard for a girl (at least in the Philippines and in a friendly setting) to be the first one to move? I'm actually afraid to show that I really like him (love him, hello, 3 years.) because I am 99% sure it would not be reciprocated. I mean, darn it, I'm like a sister to him, we've known each other for more than a decade. We were classmates in Kindergarten. But that's actually what's making the barrier higher than it should have been. Well, if we hadn't known each other for so long, that would be bad too because he's just so amazing I would have been missing half my life without him in it.

I'm just... frustrated. Why?

1. We don't see each other often. Different colleges, different organizations, same campus but hello, Diliman is very big! (Whoops, proximity factor of attraction?)
2. We rarely talk now we're in college. When we were in elementary/ high school, that wasn't the case. Maybe it's because we rarely see each other. Di rin kami madalas magkasabay sa YM. If ever we were in YM at the same time, his status message would have been (-)Math55 Exam tomorrow, or my status message would have been (-)Psych101 Exam tomorrow. But there are lucky times, thank God for the lucky times when we're both available. ;P
3. He doesn't have a clue about this. Like, heck, it's his only imperfection, he's a bit dense. No not a bit. He's dense (well in the romantic sense of it).
How frustrating is that? Our friends tease us (which actually what sparked this), we were the love team in our group. But it seems that it's rather one-sided. It's tipping on my side. And that's depressing.

And to add insult to injury, I don't think my market value would be enough to buy his. So unrequited love.

Bad thing? I have no other "options" currently. Prospects maybe. But it just makes it more depressing.

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Ranting. No. Releasing pent up emotions. Shit.

nobody@vox.com(guitartaronyourteeth) — Mon, 12 May 2008 10:15:11 -0700

And I hope I could really scream at someone right now. But no, I'm left here with my blog and my coffee and no one to talk to. This is really some shitty situation to be in you know. I'm tired but I must keep typing. I took a break from that long thing I was typing and my eyelids are slowly closing. I need more coffee. I need this break.

Duh, why am I angry? I'm angry at myself for waisting so much time on stuff that I don't need to do and cramming things into what time I have left. No, no one's been bothering me lately... Hmmm. Not unless we count "him". Darn it.

How can you love and hate a person at the same time? He doesn't know, what could I do? I've done all the "pasakalyes" I could possibly do, but no, he's as dense as mercury and as viscous as thick snot. READ THIS: NOT A CLUE. Do you know what I want to do with that guy? I want to slap him hard, shout at him, kick him on the side. But I know I'm going way overboard with doing that. Like, hello, what did he do to me?

He's hurt me so much...for so long. 3 years isn't long enough for you? Well, for me, it's like a decade. How can he not know?

If he was a bad guy I would have bad mouthed him. But, NO! He's probably one of the kindest guys you'll ever meet. Even if I had wanted to hurt him, I would have stopped right before any act of violence touches him. It's hard because all I'm ever doing is hurt myself.

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Tartar. Tartar.

nobody@vox.com(guitartaronyourteeth) — Mon, 05 May 2008 07:07:21 -0700

What causes tartar? Tartar on your teeth, you might have been eating too much chocolate. Tsk. Tsk.

I brush my teeth, that's for sure. But I'm like tartar... minus the yucky factor.

According to www.dentalfind.com, tartar "is a yellow or brownish a mixture of minerals in the saliva, food particles, and dead plaque bacterial cells". It also grows quickly once it becomes crusty and attaches to the teeth. Simply put, it's just hardened plaque.

Tartar!

Like me, I'm hardened (dirt, haha, no!) by experience. Hardened by life. But just on top. The pulp inside me is still soft. Hey, I'm not dead. I get hurt you know, just like when bacteria hit your nerves.

I'm a musician, I play the guitar (a little, hopefully more) obviously. I could be irritating (just like the tartar on your teeth), I am an imperfection in the face of the world. But I'm definitely an inevitable part of the world's smile.

I'm tartar, but that's just metaphor. Not entirely tartar, there's some teeth left.

Fine, I was just using rationalization. I was just trying to spice up my nick, haha.

But seriously, there's nothing wrong with what I said. I'm a GUITARTARONYOURTEETH.

Rock the Tartar.

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